Anger

Today was such a beautiful day. While it rained I felt so connected to my family. Things made sense and I felt spiritually revitalized. My addiction has reared its ugly head again today and there are these moments where my mind wanders and I find myself thinking obscene things. But I had it mostly under control.

Then when it was time to lay my son down his temper tantrum came full throttle. Everything was an argument. Him telling no thank you, or trying to kick, or punch. It really infuriated me. It takes a toll on you. I have learned to properly exit the situation when it becomes too unbearable. But even then as I lay here I'm fuming. I'm sure this is due to the multitude of changes I'm making in my life and really doesn't mean anything to the situation.

As I was driving today, I started to think about how I share truth in this blog. I don't tell the complete truth because the complete truth could make readers upset or malicious towards me. I do have some level of anonymity but like anything on the internet it isn't guaranteed. I could just keep a private journal but where is the fun in that. There are a lot of things I wish I could be completely truthful on here about but there is shame. I live with it and the changes I'm making are trying to reduce that feeling.

So anyway back to my anger. It welled up in me like a ball that I just wanted to throw against the wall. Then my wife tells me she isn't in the mood anymore and there is just a little disappointment added to my anger. But as I reflect I notice I'm not in the mood either. Life is weird one moment a thought consumes your every being and the next your back to a blank slate.