Fear

I'm scared to go to work tomorrow. There is a meeting with all the managers and I have not prepared myself since the last one. This fear is causing me anxiety and it's making me testy around my family. What I fear the most is not being prepared for this meeting. I fear my boss will ask for something I haven't gotten done. This keeps happening and right fully so because I'm behind on everything.

Weakness

I broke but I'm getting stronger. Maybe weening is the best way out of this mess? Ran this morning, felt much better than last week. Still not feeling the energy in to my life but it will take time.

Caving

I'm caving to the pressure. I start to rationalize that in this one little aspect I can perform an act that would make me feel more settled but it's just me losing to addiction. My brain hates me. It wants me to fail. But I'm going to succeed. I want to scream, I'm losing. That statement scares me, I believe it but I don't want it to be true. But I'm not going to lose. God please be my accountability partner and protect me from this evil. I may be strong but I've been weak for 22 years and a week of success makes the next 22 years seem scary. I have a headache. I feel anxious. I'm thinking about my addiction. I'm writing a blog. I really want to feed my addiction.

Anger

Today was such a beautiful day. While it rained I felt so connected to my family. Things made sense and I felt spiritually revitalized. My addiction has reared its ugly head again today and there are these moments where my mind wanders and I find myself thinking obscene things. But I had it mostly under control.

Then when it was time to lay my son down his temper tantrum came full throttle. Everything was an argument. Him telling no thank you, or trying to kick, or punch. It really infuriated me. It takes a toll on you. I have learned to properly exit the situation when it becomes too unbearable. But even then as I lay here I'm fuming. I'm sure this is due to the multitude of changes I'm making in my life and really doesn't mean anything to the situation.

As I was driving today, I started to think about how I share truth in this blog. I don't tell the complete truth because the complete truth could make readers upset or malicious towards me. I do have some level of anonymity but like anything on the internet it isn't guaranteed. I could just keep a private journal but where is the fun in that. There are a lot of things I wish I could be completely truthful on here about but there is shame. I live with it and the changes I'm making are trying to reduce that feeling.

So anyway back to my anger. It welled up in me like a ball that I just wanted to throw against the wall. Then my wife tells me she isn't in the mood anymore and there is just a little disappointment added to my anger. But as I reflect I notice I'm not in the mood either. Life is weird one moment a thought consumes your every being and the next your back to a blank slate.

Hard times ahead

I see it everywhere. As soon as I sit to take a break it enters my mind. Reminds me of smoking and driving past gas stations low on cigarettes. I neglect my family in these times. My beautiful son, wants attention and it's so hard. This feeling of longing pulling me to go back and do what I want. Or what I can only think I want.

My relationship with God was strong when I was younger. I always felt looked over. I walked in positivity and issues didn't phase me. The older I get the farther I feel from that. I read a really nice article about how this speration feeling is just temptation. And it seems this is very accurate. When I look at my life there is nothing but positiveness in it. I have a well paying job, a beautiful family, some friends. I am blessed. But it begs the question. Is success the determining factor of God being in your life?

There are so many in this world that are neglected just by circumstance. How can they believe in God and hold him in high regard? It's sad to think there are all these people suffering in this world and my greatest suffering is this worthless addiction.

Morning

This is my time, this is my tear. Out for a run and then off to work. The worst part is that I gave this up. The best part is that I get to start again. Life was not meant to be easy. If you're on easy mode focus again. Care about yourself and your things. Care about your family, your needs, your wants, and desires. This is my time, this is my tear.

Addiction

22 years. That is how long I have been addicted. The addiction has caused me to dislike myself at various points in my life. One of those times I forgave myself for my most serious issues with my addiction. But here I am about a year and a half since that time and I am still an addict just to a less self hatred point. I really want to no longer be addicted. Not sure if telling my stories will help. My triggers are late nights, my phone or any device I can get my hands on, and boredom.  One of the qualities that I often brag about is that I'm a quitter. So it is really hard to understand how I've kept this habit for 22 years. I liken my addiction to use of heroin. It would seem that withdrawal would be inevitable and so I write this blog with every intention to save off my triggers. But then again it's what would be considered a late night and I'm obviously bored if I'm writing this. Well if you can't tell by now this blog will be about my story. Addiction, health, and the path to recovery. Hopefully it will be a positive tale of self fulfilling actualization. That others can looking at and admire. Or this could be the only post ever. Either way I'm excited to write. Like reading, it's not one of my strong suit. I'm chaotic in writing. Coherence is definitely not apparent. But this is mostly stream of consciousness. It's interesting how the mind finds patterns regardless in things like this. To me it makes sense but to an outsider this is all over the place. I'm hoping that as I write more, the unintuitive trailing off will be less apparent. Anywho, not only am I trying to quit an addiction but I'm also trying to focus on my body as a temple. I've gone 5 years down a path of destruction to myself and I don't want to continue this neglect. I'm going to become active again. Viva life. I'm going to care about things and be more positive. I'm going to find things to fall in love with. I'm going to share my experience with others. And I'm going to find a way to give back to the world.