Sitting on the Darkside

Well...it's 2019.  Look how far I have come.  Actually...same old same old and nothing has changed from my original posts.  Darn it!  I'm definitely calmer but I'm still an addict, I'm still a scared piece of crap.  It is like I have lost my life. The moments that I get to live are spent with family being out and about.  I have no drive or direction for my career.  Glad hobbies are growing but none of which directly help me in the area that kills me the most.  I think the problem stems from identity.  I am who I was in the other blog posts, the continuity is very high.  Maybe this is all wrong.  The idea of writing a blog about a problem is the problem.  Who gains joy from mercilessly talking about their failures.  Not many people.  What do I enjoy?

1. Seeing my son grow.  I don't mean I like to see him get bigger.  In fact him getting bigger really stinks.  I want more time, more time to experience his youngness.  It's incredible seeing him make sense of things and work through problems.  It makes me proud as a dad to know that I have a little me that wants to grow up to be strong like me.
2. Playing guitar.  I find tons of joy in playing guitar.  I can't believe that I am better than I have ever been at it.  Never thought that I would ever actually build proficiency in it.  Really want to focus on understanding music and applying it somehow.
3. Losing weight.  It is awesome to see the lbs shred away.  Life seems a little easier and conversations feel better.  I really can't wait to be the dad that plays on the playground. Just hope by the time I can, it won't be too late.
4. Maintaining my lawn.  Can't wait to see how she does this summer.  Hopefully my prep work comes full circle and I get some nice rich thick sexy grass.

It's pretty funny, how joy can be contagious and the thoughts that we keep manifest in all areas of our life.  I promised my wife that this year was going to be a great year with some great news.  Well, we are expecting number two.  I am so greatful for this and I can't wait to meet them.  This will be incredible.

Fear

I'm scared to go to work tomorrow. There is a meeting with all the managers and I have not prepared myself since the last one. This fear is causing me anxiety and it's making me testy around my family. What I fear the most is not being prepared for this meeting. I fear my boss will ask for something I haven't gotten done. This keeps happening and right fully so because I'm behind on everything.

Weakness

I broke but I'm getting stronger. Maybe weening is the best way out of this mess? Ran this morning, felt much better than last week. Still not feeling the energy in to my life but it will take time.

Caving

I'm caving to the pressure. I start to rationalize that in this one little aspect I can perform an act that would make me feel more settled but it's just me losing to addiction. My brain hates me. It wants me to fail. But I'm going to succeed. I want to scream, I'm losing. That statement scares me, I believe it but I don't want it to be true. But I'm not going to lose. God please be my accountability partner and protect me from this evil. I may be strong but I've been weak for 22 years and a week of success makes the next 22 years seem scary. I have a headache. I feel anxious. I'm thinking about my addiction. I'm writing a blog. I really want to feed my addiction.

Anger

Today was such a beautiful day. While it rained I felt so connected to my family. Things made sense and I felt spiritually revitalized. My addiction has reared its ugly head again today and there are these moments where my mind wanders and I find myself thinking obscene things. But I had it mostly under control.

Then when it was time to lay my son down his temper tantrum came full throttle. Everything was an argument. Him telling no thank you, or trying to kick, or punch. It really infuriated me. It takes a toll on you. I have learned to properly exit the situation when it becomes too unbearable. But even then as I lay here I'm fuming. I'm sure this is due to the multitude of changes I'm making in my life and really doesn't mean anything to the situation.

As I was driving today, I started to think about how I share truth in this blog. I don't tell the complete truth because the complete truth could make readers upset or malicious towards me. I do have some level of anonymity but like anything on the internet it isn't guaranteed. I could just keep a private journal but where is the fun in that. There are a lot of things I wish I could be completely truthful on here about but there is shame. I live with it and the changes I'm making are trying to reduce that feeling.

So anyway back to my anger. It welled up in me like a ball that I just wanted to throw against the wall. Then my wife tells me she isn't in the mood anymore and there is just a little disappointment added to my anger. But as I reflect I notice I'm not in the mood either. Life is weird one moment a thought consumes your every being and the next your back to a blank slate.

Hard times ahead

I see it everywhere. As soon as I sit to take a break it enters my mind. Reminds me of smoking and driving past gas stations low on cigarettes. I neglect my family in these times. My beautiful son, wants attention and it's so hard. This feeling of longing pulling me to go back and do what I want. Or what I can only think I want.

My relationship with God was strong when I was younger. I always felt looked over. I walked in positivity and issues didn't phase me. The older I get the farther I feel from that. I read a really nice article about how this speration feeling is just temptation. And it seems this is very accurate. When I look at my life there is nothing but positiveness in it. I have a well paying job, a beautiful family, some friends. I am blessed. But it begs the question. Is success the determining factor of God being in your life?

There are so many in this world that are neglected just by circumstance. How can they believe in God and hold him in high regard? It's sad to think there are all these people suffering in this world and my greatest suffering is this worthless addiction.

Morning

This is my time, this is my tear. Out for a run and then off to work. The worst part is that I gave this up. The best part is that I get to start again. Life was not meant to be easy. If you're on easy mode focus again. Care about yourself and your things. Care about your family, your needs, your wants, and desires. This is my time, this is my tear.