Sitting on the Darkside

Well...it's 2019.  Look how far I have come.  Actually...same old same old and nothing has changed from my original posts.  Darn it!  I'm definitely calmer but I'm still an addict, I'm still a scared piece of crap.  It is like I have lost my life. The moments that I get to live are spent with family being out and about.  I have no drive or direction for my career.  Glad hobbies are growing but none of which directly help me in the area that kills me the most.  I think the problem stems from identity.  I am who I was in the other blog posts, the continuity is very high.  Maybe this is all wrong.  The idea of writing a blog about a problem is the problem.  Who gains joy from mercilessly talking about their failures.  Not many people.  What do I enjoy?

1. Seeing my son grow.  I don't mean I like to see him get bigger.  In fact him getting bigger really stinks.  I want more time, more time to experience his youngness.  It's incredible seeing him make sense of things and work through problems.  It makes me proud as a dad to know that I have a little me that wants to grow up to be strong like me.
2. Playing guitar.  I find tons of joy in playing guitar.  I can't believe that I am better than I have ever been at it.  Never thought that I would ever actually build proficiency in it.  Really want to focus on understanding music and applying it somehow.
3. Losing weight.  It is awesome to see the lbs shred away.  Life seems a little easier and conversations feel better.  I really can't wait to be the dad that plays on the playground. Just hope by the time I can, it won't be too late.
4. Maintaining my lawn.  Can't wait to see how she does this summer.  Hopefully my prep work comes full circle and I get some nice rich thick sexy grass.

It's pretty funny, how joy can be contagious and the thoughts that we keep manifest in all areas of our life.  I promised my wife that this year was going to be a great year with some great news.  Well, we are expecting number two.  I am so greatful for this and I can't wait to meet them.  This will be incredible.